Disclaimer: This is a rather specific topic that applies to my life now. I want to preface this article by saying that this is MY OPINION based on my experience. Every separation is different, there are two sides to every story, and I wanted to shed some light on what I have experienced so far after retaining a lawyer to help settle my separation.

A Little Background

I separated from my now ex in October of 2022. We have three children together, all under the age of 18. We had no assets (sad but true). I have primary custody of our three kids, as my ex was unable to take them overnight until very recently.

I received very little child support, which I reluctantly agreed to as my options were to take it or get nothing. He stopped paying child support in May of 2024, and before then, he paid whenever he felt like it.

We share a line of credit, which he agreed to pay instead of more child support. However, he continued to use the line of credit for his own personal expenses, and next to nothing has been paid off in over a year and a half. Most months just the minimum payment has been met.

What I Am Seeking In The Separation

This is a pretty straightforward separation. What I am hoping to get out of this separation agreement is the following:

• Consistent child support based on the table amount.
• My half of the line of credit (in my name only) so I am solely responsible for paying it off. I do not want a joint account of any kind.
• A parenting schedule.

What Has Happened So Far

Before seeking out a lawyer, I asked my ex numerous times to increase his child support. He never did. I sought out a lawyer as a last resort. I never wanted it to come to that.

I (falsely) assumed that once lawyers were involved, things would move smoothly.

Boy, was I wrong.

It turns out that you can just drag your feet for a long time without doing anything if you want. The judicial system works at a snail’s pace, so if you think things will move along quicker by getting lawyers involved, you would be wrong (like me).

I retained a lawyer in January of 2024, as did my ex.

In order to determine the proper amount of child support, we both had to supply our lawyers with income taxes and pay stubs. It has taken my ex until now (July 2024) to do so. In the meantime, it has cost me over $1000 of my retainer, which was $3000, to obtain these financial records from my ex’s lawyer. Below is a screenshot of the expenses my lawyer charges for.

As you can see, every phone call and email to my ex’s lawyer to try to obtain this info eats away at my retainer. If your ex is uncooperative like mine, this quickly depletes the retainer amount.

Where We Are Now

It’s now August of 2024, and I have just received financial information from my ex. That’s seven months after this whole thing began, and we are just getting started.

It’s looking more and more like a court date will be in our future because it is like pulling teeth to get any info from him or his lawyer.

Keep in mind that the financial info is just to determine how much child support he should pay. We haven’t even determined that yet, let alone any arrears he owes since 2022.

This is just the very beginning.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned with how much this is going to cost on top of the $3000 retainer I have already paid.

Nothing has been resolved regarding our line of credit or parenting plan. All I can see is $$$$ being spent that I don’t have.

My Advice

Please, please, please take this advice with a grain of salt. This is my personal experience.

If you have an uncooperative ex-spouse who doesn’t respect you, doesn’t think your opinion matters, thinks kids don’t cost any money, does not take responsibility for their own actions, and/or will do anything in their power to not pay child support, you might want to think twice before hiring a lawyer.

Unless you have a lot of money to spend on lawyer fees, this individual will cost you not only money but your emotional stability as well.

Honestly, if I knew how much everything was going to cost, that the other party could take as long as they like to comply with requests, and that it takes FOREVER to get resolved, I’m not sure I would have gone the lawyer route. So far, my experience has not been good.

That being said, if your ex has personality traits that I listed above, unfortunately getting a lawyer might be your only option to receive the proper amount of child support that you deserve. Just be prepared to spend a lot of money and for it to take an eternity to be resolved.

Why I Decided T0 Retain A Lawyer

I do a lot of second-guessing myself, wondering if getting lawyers involved was the right decision. Truth be told, I still don’t know.

The funny thing is that before I even finished this article, my lawyer contacted me regarding child support and the amount that I was supposed to have been receiving since 2022.

I know for a fact that there is no way that my ex would ever pay that on his own. He has an excuse for everything, and most of the time, it’s my fault.

When my lawyer laid it out for me in black and white, there was no denying that he owed arrears. So, I made the decision to carry on with my case through the courts with my lawyer.

Again, I have no idea if this is the right decision, but it’s the one I am making.

Honestly, the longer this drags on, the more I want it over. Getting lawyers involved is stressful. And we haven’t even gone to court yet.

My guts are in a knot just thinking about it. This isn’t fun. It’s not what I wanted to do. I was naive and thought that we could work things out as two adults with the best interest of their kids in mind.

Be Prepared For A Battle

Make no mistake, I am no innocent bystander in our situation. I can barely speak to my ex without getting heated. We already do not communicate with each other very well, and this does not help.

He thinks he’s always right, and I blow up.

Not a good combination.

That’s ultimately why I got a lawyer involved. I knew that I could not keep a cool head when trying to talk to him. I naively thought that communicating through third parties would make things go smoothly.

NOPE.

I want to make this clear: If one of the parties involved is UNCOOPERATIVE, they can make this process hell. It doesn’t take much, just don’t submit your paperwork. That’s literally all it takes to delay this already stressful process by at least six months (in my case, anyway).

So really think about if it is worth it to pursue. Be prepared to go through an emotional roller coaster, the sight of your ex making you upset, money being flushed down the drain, little to nothing being done for an excessive amount of time, and trying to be civil with your ex in front of your kids.

I handle this by keeping the topic of conversation on the kids only and saying as little as possible. Also, communicating primarily by email has helped a ton.

And let me be clear that I am only talking about the child support issue right now. We haven’t even gotten to the other issues that need to be addressed in our separation. THIS IS JUST FOR CHILD SUPPORT. 

This is my experience so far with hiring a lawyer to facilitate my separation. I will give updates as I have them but don’t expect anything soon because the judicial system takes forever to see results.

I hope this helps anyone contemplating retaining a lawyer for their separation.

Honestly, if your spouse is at all open to a conversation and actually respects you as a person, working it out without lawyers is the way to go, in my opinion. Use a lawyer to make things official, but if you agree on the big issues, that’s half the battle.

If you’re like me and trying to get water from a rock, unfortunately, getting lawyers involved may be your only option. Just be prepared. It takes a mental toll. It’s long and grueling, and I’m just getting started. It sucks, but getting walked on all over by your ex sucks even more.

You can do it. Stay strong. Keep your kids’ best interests in mind. That’s what I try to do.

Again, this is just my experience; yours may differ.

I will keep you updated.

I appreciate you reading this far. This article has been cathartic to write. I know it’s kind of all over the place, but that’s where my head is at right now.

If you have any specific questions about separation, lawyers, and whatnot, please leave a comment and I will answer to the best of my ability.

UPDATE: We now have a court date in October 2024. This is just a scheduling date, for lawyers only. Nothing will be resolved. To sum up, it has taken 10 months to get one single court date.

August 18, 2024 UPDATE: I have received a current invoice from my lawyer (Pictured Below). As you can see, I have just $500 remaining on my retainer. What this means is that most of the court costs are going to come out of pocket for me. The retainer covered only enough to get a court date. This is going to be more expensive than I thought.

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” – Confucius